Dog Breath
by Audley
Summary: Shigure is bored. And that, as we shall soon see, can be a very dangerous thing.


Disclaimer: I am not, have never been, and most likely will never be Natsuki Takaya, the genius who created Fruits Basket. Now that we have covered this, you may proceed.

Dog Breath

Shigure Sohma sighed as he flipped through the many channels, bored. He stopped for a second on a program he liked, hoping it wouldn't be a rerun, but, to his disappointment, it was just ending. A commercial came on and he watched it idly, wondering how best to entertain himself.

He heard Tohru, Yuki and Kyo step, walk and stomp in and suddenly knew just what he wanted to do to alleviate his boredom. He listened for a minute, then, as soon as he was sure Kyo and Yuki had gone upstairs, he switched off the TV, stood, stretched, and made his way into the kitchen.

Shigure leaned languidly on the doorframe and watched Tohru put away the groceries.

"Tohru-kun, Tohru-kun, TOHRU-KUN!" He cried suddenly, startling Tohru.

"WAH! Oh! Y-you startled me..." Tohru said weakly, placing a hand to her chest.

"You'll NEVER guess what happened to me today!"

"EH? Something happened to you today, Shigure-san?"

"Yes! Something happened to me today!"

"Er...What happened to you today?"

Shigure pushed himself off the wall and stepped closer to Tohru.

"Are you SURE you want to know?"

"Um...yes?"

He took another step towards her.

"Are you really sure?"

"Yes..."

Shigure took two more steps. He was close enough now to see the beads of perspiration that had appeared on Tohru's forehead.

"Are you positive?"

"Yes..." Tohru said nervously. "Um...Shigure-san, are you feeling okay?"

Shigure smiled dangerously.

"I feel perfectly wonderful, Tohru-kun. Except..." He looked away, suddenly wistful.

"Except what, Shigure-san?" Out of the corner of his eye, Shigure noticed how confused Tohru looked, and he smirked inwardly.

"Except...I still haven't told you what happened to me today..."

"Oh! Um...then...please tell me what happened to you today!" Tohru said anxiously, eager to cheer Shigure up.

"Are you really, REALLY, positively POSITIVE that you want to know?"

"Yes! I really would like to know!"

"Well...if you're sure..."

"I am!"

"Okay...I'll tell you...but first—CATCH ME, TOHRU-KUN!" He shouted gleefully, leaping into her arms.

POOF!

Tohru shrieked in surprise and fell over. Shigure wriggled out of his kimono and wagged his tail. He shoved his snout in Tohru's face.

"S-shigure-san!"

"NOW! I'll tell you just what happened to me today."

"O-okay..." Tohru found she couldn't move for the dog standing over her.

"You see...it all started when I was...Are you really sure you want to know, Tohru-kun?" Shigure asked skeptically, looking her in the eye.

Tohru nodded and wrinkled her nose as hot dog breath rolled over her face.

"Are you absolutely, one hundred percent, positively CERTAIN that you want to know EXACTLY what happened to me today?" He insisted, pushing his face closer to hers.

Tohru made a small noise of assent and tried not to cough.

"Okay! I'll tell you! It was...the most wonderful thing, really," he panted, tongue lolling.

Tohru held her breath, trying unsuccessfully to wriggle away from the dog's breath without Shigure noticing.

"I mean, it was really great! So great, in fact, that I don't know if I want to tell you anymore," Shigure said thoughtfully. "It was such a wonderful thing that happened to me, that I don't think anyone else should know. But maybe I should share such a wonderful thing. It would be terribly selfish of me to keep SUCH a WONDERFUL thing to myself...oh, I don't know! What do you think, Tohru-kun? Should I share my secret?"

Tohru nodded feebly, running out of air.

"All right then, my mind is made up. I'll tell yo—"

POOF!

All the air rushed out of Tohru and she shrieked loudly, covering her eyes with her arm, her face bright red.

"Oh dear! I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" said a voice airily from the doorway.

Shigure turned to see Ayame standing in the door, clutching a purse and wearing a supremely superior expression on his face.

"Aaya! You'll never believe what happened to me today!" Shigure cried, not moving from his perch over Tohru.

Ayame had just opened his mouth to answer when Yuki and Kyo burst into the kitchen through the other door.

"Honda-san! We heard a scream!"

"Tohru! Are you—" Kyo stopped dead and stared. Yuki did the same.

Shigure suddenly realized how this must look: him, stark naked and practically on top of a furiously red and particularly rumpled looking Tohru; Ayame standing at the door looking smug. He gulped and scrambled off of Tohru, who hadn't moved or spoken once.

"N-no! It's not what it looks like, I swear!"

Yuki and Kyo attacked simultaneously, one thought on their minds: _Get to Shigure._

"HALT!" Ayame shouted imperiously, sliding in front of Shigure and holding out his arms.

Surprisingly enough, it worked. Yuki and Kyo froze, staring at Ayame.

"NOW! I am certain that you are both most likely VERY upset! But I am also just as certain that Gure-san has a perfectly LOGICAL and SENSIBLE explanation as to WHY he is naked and why Tohru-kun is on the floor! So do tell, Gure-san! Share with us your faultless reasoning!" Ayame cried sonorously.

Shigure poked his head out from behind Ayame and sighed in relief upon seeing that Yuki and Kyo were no longer trying to murder him.

"Aaya...I can always count on you to protect me in the face of danger!"

"Never fear, Gure-san! I shall always be around to save you in your time of need!"

They flashed a thumbs-up sign to each other and grinned. Kyo looked as though he might explode.

"Quit fooling around!" Yuki snapped.

Shigure gave a long-suffering sigh and shook his head.

"Alas, Aaya...it seems our love will forever be scorned..." Kyo growled and Shigure hastily changed the subject.

"I don't understand why you two are so mad...I didn't do anything improper to Tohru-kun, if that's what you're thinking. I merely wanted to tell her what happened to me!" He said, shrugging.

"Something HAPPENED to you, Gure-san! WHAT happened to you! What, what! Come, come! Share your tale, Gure-san!" Ayame exclaimed, impatiently flinging a strand of hair over his shoulder.

Kyo and Yuki just stared at the two of them disbelievingly. Tohru, (who still hadn't moved), lay forgotten on the floor.

"Well! I was merely sitting around thinking idle thoughts when WHAM! It happened. Just like that."

"Just like THAT, Gure-san! Just like that!"

"Just like that."

Ayame stared at Shigure in awe—Yuki and Kyo gaped at him in wordless fury.

Yuki was the first to recover his voice. "WHAT happened, Shigure," he said, gritting his teeth.

"Oh, nothing big," Shigure said lightly. "I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico." He felt an enormous amount of satisfaction at the silence this brought. Then he noticed the looks on Yuki and Kyo's faces.

"I don't even think I can save you, Gure-dear," Ayame said dryly, wisely stepping out of the way. Shigure cringed, covering himself.

"Aaya—! Why! I thought what we had was special! Why do you forsake meee—!"

"**SHIIIGUUUREEE**..."

"O-oh dear..."

censored violence

When Yuki and Kyo were both satisfied that Shigure wouldn't be moving for awhile, they left him to Ayame and went to check on Tohru, who hadn't talked or moved once during the whole ordeal.

Yuki and Kyo towered over her prone figure. After an awkward moment, Kyo crouched next to her and peered cautiously into her face.

"You know..." he said slowly. "I think she passed out."

_Fin_

Where did this fic come from? I do not know. It wrote itself. I had nothing to say about it. Nothing. Zilch. Nada. (Noodle. :snort: VEGGIE TALES RULES!) But I find it hilarious.

Do you find it odd that I'm a sophomore in high school and I like Veggie Tales? And thus, you have learned TWO new things about me! Shout for joy!

And have you ever had a dog come over and just breathe in your face? I have. And it was highly unpleasant. :twitch:

I've discovered that I love reviews. I didn't think I did at first, but now I've discovered I do, so feel free to review! Or rather, feel paid to review! That's right, for a limited time only, I will be paying my reviewers! Act now, and you can get a free car! No, not really, because if I had a car, well, I wouldn't give it to you. Sorry! But review anyway! You'll get a free muffin...:waves muffins around: Mmmm...doesn't that smell nice::sniffs deeply: Aaahh...

Read? Review!

Audley Pay-Per-Review. Ha. I am so funny!


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